


Actually, it's Ronan

by PatronOfTheDenial



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Drinking, Drunken Confessions, M/M, Party, Ronan Lynch is Bad at Feelings, random sass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-08-17 06:23:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16511015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatronOfTheDenial/pseuds/PatronOfTheDenial
Summary: “Let's say I was more curious to know what the fuck were you doing here in a sheet, drunk, shouting Shakespeare at me.”He was impressed by his own ability to make it sound like he did not enjoy it.





	1. Act I

**Author's Note:**

> This was not supposed to be a story about being drunk. For some reason now it is.  
> Also cheesy tropes are my weakness.

“I'm telling you Sargent, there's no way in hell I'm going in there.” Blue kept speaking on the other side of the line.  
“I don't give a shit about what Malory has to tell him.”  
“Yes,but-”  
“He'll just have to call tomorrow”  
Blue kept objecting, so he interrupted her again: “I know how timezones work Sargent, the point is I don't give a shit.”  
In the end he just gave in.  
“Fine. I said fine.”  
… 

Ronan Lynch was a pretentious asshole. He was well aware of it, since it represented about half of his personality. Ronan's luck, though, was being mostly surrounded by assholes way more pretentious than him. It was positive in a way that made him feel better about himself, but it came with the collateral damage of actually having to put up with those people.  
That was one of the reasons he avoided Aglionby parties: they were packed with people he disliked dressed in ridiculous period costumes.  
The fact that he was at one in that exact moment didn’t count since he only wanted to find Gansey, who, by the way, was conveniently nowhere in sight.  
He tried asking to the people present if they had seen him, but other than not giving him any satisfactory answers, his schoolmates also had thought of it as an attempt to start a conversation and had launched themselves in long soliloquies. They must had really drunk a lot to think Ronan could care.  
He wouldn't have defined them that horrible, but he probably would have rather be hit by a car than being there, so maybe yes, he did find them horrible.  
Surely his only role in any gathering of this kind was only to ruin it. He figured some of the boys thought already that he had ruined the party by not respecting the dress code, but he definitely wasn't going to wrap himself in a historically inaccurate version of a toga any time soon, so they would have to suck it up.  
He had to admit though that the huge mansion with its neoclassical style suited the theme fairly well. It was the modern music and lighting that were starting to give him a headache. Hung on the wall there was a huge banner reading “Fortuna audaces iuvant”. He wondered who was dumb enough to get the grammar wrong on a proverb that famous. He was really tempted to grab a sharpie and cross that extra ‘n’ out. Why would they even think it's plural? “Brilliant minds that will change the future” called them the headmaster. Much for brilliant.  
It felt like the party was starting to get suffocating. Decades had passed since he stepped in the room, or maybe merely seconds. He couldn’t tell. The air so was thick with warmth and music he felt like he couldn’t breathe.  
In these cases, (again, not that he recalled these cases occurring often) he would get completely drunk to make it all a little more bearable, but one horrible, completely watered down beer was enough for him not to grab a second. He was actually a bit disappointed to find beer at a Roman themed party at all.  
He moved through the crowd aimlessly, towards the back of the room. There was a huge glass door to the balcony. He pushed the handle and moved forward, as a last desperate attempt to find Gansey, not sure if it was actually for that or because he simply he needed a break from everything that was going on inside. A break that he didn't get, since as soon as he stepped foot out someone started half-shouting at him from the garden below.

"Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo.”  
“Actually, it's Ronan.” He rolled his eyes, though in the dark there was no way the person downstairs would have been able to see it. “Besides that's Juliet's line, you asshole.”  
The guy looked a lot like like Adam, and sounded a lot like Adam. But there was no way Adam Parrish would have come at a party like this.  
“So what? I can't quote it cause I'm a guy? That's discrimination!”  
Ronan sighed deeply. “No, you dumbass, you can't quote it because I'm the one on the balcony.”  
“Oh. Yeah, right, that makes sense.” Now he had no doubt.  
“Parrish?”  
A drunk, crazy, shouting, Adam Parrish wrapped in a white bedsheet. Basically the vision of a lifetime.  
Adam was probably one of the most sensible eighteen year olds Ronan knew, which made him being completely wasted twice more endearing  
"Yeah! Who the fuck did you think it was?”  
"Stop fucking shouting" shouted someone else from the yard.  
"You stop shouting!" Adam shouted back.  
“Don't move, I'm coming down there.” He couldn't believe he was going to babysit Adam, but somebody had to, and since Gansey, who would have otherwise been his first choice, was clearly not there he was stuck.  
"Where would I go?" Ronan decided not to answer that to avoid giving him ideas.  
... 

Ronan found Adam sat on the lawn.  
“You’re going to get a grass stain on your toga.” He expected him to startle but Adam turned around lazily.  
“It’s not mine.”  
“Even worse, you’re staining someone else’s.”  
Adam shrugged. He didn't look half as dumb as the other boys in that attire, on the contrary, it strangely suited him. The white wrinkled cloth hung loosely around his shoulder, held with a shiny pin the same color as his bare skin. A couple of bay leaves stuck messily from his hair, remainders of a crown he must have worn at some point. He looked like a creature that belonged to another time, another place. Not a teenager, not a student, not a friend. Anyone and everyone, alien but painfully familiar.  
“How do you manage not to look ridiculous in that?”  
He wasn't supposed to say it out loud. It was a thought violently making its way in his mind that he meant to share with no one but himself. He blamed it on the context.  
“Well you always look good.” He shrugged again. “You know what? You should be wearing a toga too.”  
Ronan looked down at his ripped jeans. “Yeah, yeah, that would be blackmailing material for a lifetime.” He decided not to address the compliment. Even if he had decided to address it, he wouldn't have known how. Three stupid words turned him into a nervous mess, he wasn't prepared to react to that. He had faced nightmare monsters, kids with criminal tendencies, fist fights, but he didn't know how to accept a compliment from Adam Parrish.  
In chemistry class they learned that thanks to the structure of its crystals glass can resist to high temperatures and to a great pressure, but that it only needs a very small force to be shattered. Adam made him feel like glass.  
He hated Gansey for disappearing on him like that in the worst moment possible.

“You okay there?” He prompted, quite hypocritically, since he was the one losing track of the conversation. If that could be called conversation. He just needed to fill the silence.  
“Hm?” Adam startled. Then he seemed to recompose himself. “No, I'm not going to throw up, if that's what you're asking.” That was not what he was asking, but it was still good to know. It would have definitely not been the best twist for the night.  
“Let's say I was more curious to know what the fuck were you doing here in a sheet, drunk, shouting Shakespeare at me.” He was impressed by his own ability to make it sound like he did not enjoy it.  
Adam covered his face with his hands and made a series of embarrassed noises.  
“Whatever, man.”  
“I shouldn't have come. This was dumb.” Same, thought Ronan.  
“It's fine. Stop worrying.”  
“I'll just... I don't know, I'll go home now, I don't feel like being here, I don't know if it makes sense, I just wish I wasn't here. And I’m rambling.”  
“Going home sounds good. Anywhere but here sounds good.”  
He stood up “Can you tell Gansey I went home? I came here with him, and-”  
“Wait you did? Do you know where he is?” Ronan’s task suddenly came back to him.  
“No, sorry, I lost him at some point in the night, and when I tried to look for him I didn’t find him.”  
“That makes the two of us.” Then something came to his mind. “Did he drive you here?”  
Adam nodded  
“So how are you going home now?”  
“I'll walk. That’s what feet are for.”  
“You get smart ass-y when you're drunk, you know? St. Agnes is five miles from here, I'll drive you home.” He was for the first time that night glad he hadn't drank. Much.  
“No, I said I can walk, it's fine.”  
“God why is he so stubborn.” Ronan muttered to himself.  
“Don't wanna break it to you, but I don't think he'll answer.” he ignored him.  
“I don't want to be responsible for you dying on the way there or something, so just let me do this and stop acting like a child.”  
Adam clearly didn't have an answer to that.  
“You're not gonna let me say no, are you?”  
“Glad you get that. Let’s go.”


	2. Act II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not my first language, but i'm trying. Anyways, hope you'll love my babies as much as I do

Adam was very quiet on the way to St Agnes. So quiet Ronan would have thought he had fallen asleep, if not for the quick glances he caught him throwing from the passenger seat. He briefly considered asking something to fill the silence, but every question that came to his mind sounded too much like it belonged in an interrogation.  
He focused on the familiar road ahead of him instead. The streetlights dimly illuminating the asphalt, no sound but the engine and his breath. It was the same route he used to take form The Barns, he could find his way with his eyes closed. He tried not to think of that as they were approaching their destination. Ronan stopped the car in front of the building. It had a mystical feel to it at night. He loved this place in an inexplicable manner, like a Stockholm Syndrome that never went away. Agnes, patron saint of chastity and virgins. He thought about how all the roads seemed to lead here. His church. His car. His… Adam, not his.  
Adam who wasn’t getting off the car. Instead, he turned to Ronan and put his hand on his shoulder. His whole body tensed up. He couldn’t focus on anything else.  
“Uhm” he cleared his throat “thank you.”  
Adam was looking him in the eyes intently, which made his words heavy, meaningful, serious. Ronan stared at him. “Yeah, uhm, sure man, no big deal...” he answered fidgeting. Adam still didn't move and kept his eyes on Ronan’s face.  
“It is. You’re always caring, Ronan.”  
The sincerity in his voice made Ronan’s heart skip a beat, but he just rolled his eyes. He was still very aware of Adam’s hand.  
“Yeah, of course, I’m fucking Prince Charming.”  
Adam sighed in frustration “You’re an idiot! You do all this nice shit and then pretend you don’t care about anything because God forbid anyone may think you have feelings. And… what am I supposed to do?” Ronan frowned. He had opened Pandora’s box and didn’t even understand how, or what had triggered Adam to go off like that.  
“Parrish, listen” he didn't really know what to say to minimise the damage, but it didn't matter, because he didn't get to finish the sentence. Suddenly Adam was leaning in and their lips were touching. The whole thing was happening in slow motion in his mind but her stood there, still.  
He felt Adam's hand moving up to the back his neck. He was losing his mind. He had no idea of what was happening, but he knew he was starting to kiss back. Adam's lips were slightly chapped, but still soft and warm. It was messy and clumsy, both because of the situation and the inexperience. He didn't know what to do with his hands, he was hyper aware of every movement and at the same time completely immersed in the moment.  
It was wrong, Adam didn't know what he was doing, and Ronan couldn't just take advantage of that, but he was so asphyxiated that he could not let go. Finally, all his instincts telling him otherwise, he found the strength to pull away. His heart was hammering in his chest.  
“No- this” he couldn't form a coherent sentence “fuck” he took a deep breath, the feeling of that kiss still lingering on him. It didn't help that Adam looked gorgeous in the dim light of the car, his lips red and slightly parted, his hair completely tousled. He was breathless too, his chest moving rhythmically from inhaling and exhaling. All he wanted to reach out and kiss him again, and again, all night, to get lost in him and ignore anything else. Much for chastity. He allowed himself to move a stray lock of hair from Adam’s eyes. Adam grabbed his hand.  
“Listen-” he attempted once again, his voice soft, but he was interrupted by another kiss, fiercer, faster, less uncertain. This time all the surroundings stopped existing, the whole world went quiet. There was only that moment, they were the last two men on earth. Even the separation was more painful.  
“Wait, you’re not thinking straight.” He wanted to punch himself for the phrasing of that sentence, but he continued.  
“Go home, get some sleep, and if you want, we can talk about this in the morning.”  
Adam’s expression was heartbreaking, but at least Ronan knew he would not remember any of that in the morning.  
“Thanks for the ride. I’m sorry." Adam mumbled  
“Don-” started Ronan, but he rushed out of the car before he could have added anything else. He considered running after him, but he knew there was no way he could have made anything better. He just sat there, helpless, unable to process what had just happened. He wanted to scream, or run, or break something.  
I could drink myself into oblivion he thought It would make it stop. Deep down he didn’t want to. He wanted to feel what he was feeling, because it was awful and heart wrenching, but it was also wonderful and real, few things in life were as real as that.  
He picked up his phone instead. He couldn't believe he was doing it, but it felt like the right thing.  
“Hey.”  
“You found him?”  
“Nope. But I did not lie, I went.”  
“I know. You never lie.”  
“Good.” He stayed silent.  
“Ronan? Is something wrong?” She sounded more caring than concerned.  
For the briefest second he contemplated telling her the truth. A surreal, yet alluring idea. He imagined how that could feel. Maybe she would have had some answers, or some comforting words. Maybe she could have said something to make him feel less trapped in a bubble. He ached to open up, but the words always died in his throat. It felt like an actual weight he was trying to eject from his body.  
“I-” i kissed Adam “I- I don't know.”  
That was progress. Maybe next time.  
“What happened?”  
“I don’t want to talk about it.”  
“Should I be worried? Will it be okay?”  
“I guess. But yeah, don’t worry.” he hung up and started the engine.

He did not know if all would actually be okay. Then more than ever the future felt uncertain, and for once it wasn’t even his fault.  
He had always imagined he would have been the one to fuck it all up. That’s why he always made an extra effort to keep himself in line. He had a dumb one-sided crush on his friend and he wasn't going to do anything about it. It was supposed to disappear into nothingness with time. He had never once imagined something could come out of it, and he was fine with that. It was an abstract fantasy, a daydream.  
In one move, though, Adam had turned it all upside down. He still didn't allow himself to believe that he reciprocated his feelings, but a whole new set of possibilities felt closer than ever. He didn't know what to do with those thoughts. He wasn't going to delude himself with foolish fantasies. He was really tired of thinking about Adam. Sure, he accepted the fact that it was normal to think about somebody from time to time, but Adam was a constant, non-removable, fixed point in his mind and that whole situation only made it worse.


	3. Act III

Ronan processed the faint sound of mixed voices in the other room. He found one of them sounded like Adam, which of course was ridiculous, a trick of the mind. Was he still dreaming? He pulled himself up until he was more and more awake, but the sound persisted.  
He didn’t remember falling asleep the previous night, and his whole body was begging him to get under the blankets again. He stretched his arms and back, instead, then got up. After retrieving a plain black t-shirt and a pair of black jeans from his chair, he followed the voice, now mixed with Gansey's, to the kitchen.  
His heart skipped a beat. Gansey and Adam were sat at the table, the former was chatting animatedly, and the latter passively listening. They were so caught up that they didn’t notice him approaching. Adam was slouched in his chair, stare vacant, eyes unfocused. He was wearing a pair of pale jeans and a baggy t-shirt. He thought about the same face, less than ten hours previously, so close to his that he could count his freckles. It made his breath catch in his throat. He recomposed himself and took one more step forward.

“Hey, look who's awake!” greeted Gansey. Unlike Adam, he looked… well, he looked like usual Gansey. Adam evasively glanced at him. “Hi.”  
Ronan gave a nod in their general direction.  
“Have you two already had breakfast?”  
“I have, he says he's not hungry.” Gansey gestured towards Adam.  
“I'm not feeling great...”  
Ronan looked at him knowingly.  
“Yeah, you look like shit.” It was only half true. Though it was clear that Adam was not in good shape, he still didn’t think it wasn’t humanly possible for him to ‘look like shit’.  
“Always so charming, Lynch.”  
Ronan winked exaggeratedly, then moved towards the cupboards in search of some bread.  
Gansey ignored the interaction.  
“We were talking about last night.”  
He tensed up. “What about it?”  
“The party. Adam and I went together, but then I lost him.”  
“Rude.” Ronan snorted.  
“Coming from you?” He raised his eyebrow. “Anyway, I invited him here to make up for it with breakfast.”  
“And you’re not eating. You must be pissed then.”  
“No, I mean it, I really don’t feel well.”  
“Uh, Really? You know why?” Adam glared at him. Maybe it was unfair to tease him like that, but he enjoyed it too much. He only hoped he wasn’t crossing any line he was supposed to stray away from. He brought his attention back to the bread and started making toast.  
“No idea.”  
He decided to drop it.  
“Anyway” he addressed Gansey again, while picking up two plates “you must have been super busy because we tried calling you and you couldn't be bothered to pick up.”  
“No need to give me the talk Ronan, Jane made her point very clear already.”  
“You deserve it.”  
“By the way, she told me that you cam- oh, wait, she's calling again, sorry I have to pick up for the sake of my well-being.” He finished the sentence already on the way to the other room.

Ronan handed Adam the plate with a piece of toast on it. He then put a glass in front of him and filled it with the orange juice on the table.  
“I told you I-“  
“You're hangover, and lucky enough to have the expert on the matter in front of you. So eat first, and thank me later.” Adam’s face turned a deep shade of pink. He took a sip of the juice, intent on not looking at Ronan.  
“Please don’t tell Gansey,” was all he said. “About, you know, about last night.” he shifted his eyes away again.  
“You mean for your wonderful impression of Juliet?”  
“Yeah, all that, and... everything else.”  
Was he embarrassed? He must have been. Was wanting to kiss Ronan so shameful, so disgusting? He tried to ignore those thoughts. He might have been referring to the whole situation, which was indeed undeniably awkward. Maybe he did not ever remember the last part of the evening.  
“Wasn’t going to.” He shrugged “Why would I?”  
“Right.”  
They fell into an uncomfortable silence, both playing with the food instead of actually eating it. Ronan was not satisfied, not at all. He needed to know more, he needed to hear Adam's side of the story. He hadn't realised till then how much he craved for answers. Deep inside, he hoped Adam would say the kiss did mean something, he hoped he felt what Ronan felt. He was so quick to worry and overthink that this hadn't even feel like a viable option. He still felt it wasn't.  
But he couldn't stand not knowing.  
“Listen-  
“Hey guys” interrupted Gansey, walking in. Timing was definitely not on his side. He took a breath.  
“So, all solved with Sargent?”  
“Not quite, I need to go to hers immediately, so I hope you'll excuse me.“ And with that he was gone again.

“I should get going as well.“  
“Do you need a ride?“ deja vu.  
“No, it’s fine. Besides I already bothered you enough yesterday.“ He could see the regret for saying that painted all over his face.  
“Actually, now that you brought it up...“ Fake confidence Ronan, fake confidence.  
“Really? I didn't think you'd enjoy humiliating me. Haven't I done enough of it myself?“  
“What? No, I-”  
“You know what? Whatever, I really need to go." Adam stood up and lunged towards the door. This time Ronan did run after him. He couldn't believe himself. Ronan lynch did not run after people.  
“Adam, stop!” He grabbed his arm right before he could turn the handle. Adam flinched instinctively but tried to hide it at once.  
“Let. Go.” he ordered, firm. His words were ice and Ronan froze. He let his arm go, aware of how much that sudden contact must have been uncomfortable for Adam, aware of how many times he was hurt, of how probably any sudden, aggressive move like that was his nightmare.  
“We need to talk.”  
“No.”  
“Please.” He whispered, in a change of approach, hoping that it would work. He never pleaded. That was his only way to prove that it was important. Something in his head told him that if they couldn’t solve it in that moment they never would. Adam looked at him, still. He took it as a cue to continue.  
“I don't know why you're mad at me. I really don’t.” He inhaled deeply. “You want to fight with me when I'm being an asshole? Fine, whatever, I get it, but this time I didn't do anything wrong. I’m… I’m just confused." He couldn't believe he was being so brutally honest. It was liberating in a way.  
“I don’t want to talk about what happened last night.”  
“I didn't think it would make you this fucking crazy! You’re the one who brought it up!” That had to be the worst apology ever. Though it sure would have been helpful to know what he was supposed to be apologising for.  
“Are you even thinking? Of course it does! I kissed you and you pushed me away, why would you think I want to discuss that?“  
“Wait- what?” that did not make sense. Surely not in the little scenarios he had created in his head,  
“I'm not mad because you pushed me away, really. If you don't like me fine, I'm sorry. But can we forget about this?” _Adam though he didn't like him?_ “I just wish you wouldn't laugh at me. I thought you were better than this-" his voice broke, and a piece of Ronan’s heart with it.  
“What the fuck are you going on about?” He asked louder than intended. “I pushed you away because you weren't fully conscious and I didn't want to take advantage of that! Not because I didn't want to kiss you back! What kind of person do you think I am?“  
Adam remained speechless, his eyes wide. Only then Ronan had the time to elaborate the full consequences of what Adam had just said by replaying the last seconds in his head. He wouldn't be so hurt about Ronan’s rejection if if the kiss hadn't been deliberate.  
“Wait, so you knew what you were doing? You kissed me because you wanted to?“  
“Why else?”  
“The fuck do I know," he threw his hands up in exhaustion "people do a lot of dumb shit when they're drunk."  
“See? You think it was dumb. I shouldn't have drank that much.”  
Ronan shrugged. Adam continued before he could reply.  
“It was so stupid. I promised myself I wouldn't. But you know, maybe I will really become just like-”  
“Don't even try saying it.“ He interrupted, knowing well were that sentence was going. The idea that he could think he was remotely anything like his father made Ronan nauseous. One night didn’t make you an alcoholic just like your dna didn’t make you any inherently better or worse than someone else. But Adam wouldn’t listen, he never did, so he just cursed under his breath.  
“Parrish, we’re fighting for no real reason here.”  
Adam was looking down, so he gently raised his chin with his index finger and looked him straight in the eye. There were merely a couple of inches separating them. He hoped he couldn’t feel how much he was shaking. “Last night you did something I couldn’t find the courage to do for the longest time.”  
He let out a shaky breath and closed the distance between them. It was his turn to be brave. He kissed those unfamiliar yet so painfully familiar lips with all he had. Without holding himself back this time, finally. He could feel Adam lean into him, relax his tiff posture. He felt him grip his arm and take his lower lip between his teeth, sending shivers from his neck down to the spine.  
Adam smiled, widely, then broke out in laughter. Suddenly and loudly, his whole body shaking.  
”We are such a pair of idiots, aren’t we?”  
Ronan smirked “Well, I guess we deserve each other.”


End file.
